How to Fall on Snow and Ice Gracefully
by: Matt Talley
Let me start this little tale admitting that I suck at snowboarding. You know, stand up, go a little ways down the run and fall on my face/ass sort of suck. I am, however, determined to get better. I live about an hour and a half from a resort area, Big Bear, that gets decent snow and I thought, “Why not spend a weekend or two there falling on my butt to get better?” One of my coworkers has a rental cabin up there that he was willing to rent to me for the entire weekend at the low rate of $250. I talked to some friends and my roommates about going and they were all in. This would have meant that lodging for the whole weekend would have been less than $45 each. On the Monday before the Friday we were going to leave just about everyone pulled out on me. One buddy, Matt Brauning, was still willing to go. There was no way that I was going to rent a cabin for just the two of us, so the plan changed to taking his truck and sleeping in the topper/camper with lots of blankets and sleeping bags. On Thursday the plan changed again. Matt B. had a buddy, Joann, who was a snowboard instructor that was willing to give us free lessons one morning. The only catch was that she and her brother, David, were going to Mammoth Lakes to ride the deep powder there. After some mad scrambling, I booked us motel rooms. It was a long weekend because of the MLK, Jr. holiday that Monday, so ALL the hotels were either booked, INSANELY expensive or there was a three-night minimum. I conned a guy into Friday night only at one place and I begged to the point of being pathetic for the second motel to give me Saturday night. Everyone was in and as we were splitting the costs six ways the trip was going to be even cheaper than I had first thought!
I packed my gear up Thursday night, went through it again just to make sure I hadn’t left anything out and threw in some extra socks and gloves just in case. I took off from work at 2:30pm on Friday and met Matt B. at his office. I love Matt B. dearly, but he is that friend who you have to tell to meet you at 10:00am if you want to see him by noon. It is not his fault, he leads a busy life, but his condition is known and understood, so I wasn’t surprised when he wasn’t ready and that he hadn’t packed a bit. We got to his house around 4:00pm and packed his cloths and gear. The original plan, from all the phone calls the day before, was to leave town by 5:30pm. From Matt’s place we drove to Joann’s and met up with her, her brother David and her friend Kei. While waiting for everyone else to pack and get ready, I played on Joann’s trampoline. Their house was such a playground: big back porch, 4X8 pool table, soft fuzzy green grass, a full wood shop, a Jacuzzi and the trampoline. I decided then and there that I was trading my parents in on newer models and moving in. Around 6:30pm we all met up with Brian, a guy that Matt and I know, at a snowboard rental place so he could pick up some gear for the trip. After doing some grocery shopping, we were off and running by 9:20pm: Roughly about 4 hours behind schedule.
Matt has a crew cab truck and we all piled
into it. The back of this full sized truck was filled to the halfway point
with gear and bags: 65% of the total belonging to the two ladies, imagine
that?! The trip up to Mammoth was a blast. We cracked on each other, told
jokes, bitched about money, ect… We all had plenty of room and the
ride sort of set the mood and tone for the entire trip. We got into Mammoth
Lakes and to the hotel around 3:15am. I had booked a large room with two
queen sized beds, but what we found was a tiny little room with one queen
sized bed that was allocated for smokers. It reeked! It was late and we
were all tired so we did what anyone would do: moved all the furniture
against the wall, brought in two air mattresses and made the floor one
big ol’ bed. The ladies and Brian took the real bed and David, Matt
B. and I took the floor. At 3:45am when you have to get up early the next
day you have two options: you can either say “goodnight” and
go right to sleep or you can turn off the lights and pull juvenile pranks
on those around you. We chose course of action #2. There were three in
the party, David especially, with an abundance of methane that they chose
to loudly assault everyone with, but I took the high road and didn’t
stoop to that level. I instead stripped my underwear off and laid them
on Matt B.’s pillow, just next to his head. When I started giggling
like a 9 year-old schoolgirl, he turned his head and WHAM!!! undies in
the face! We all enjoyed his display of anger, humiliation and disgust.
It made my black little heart sing with joy!
A shot of the mountains near Big Bear.
At 7:00am exactly, an alarm started going off. There was some sleepy zombie-like debate on where and what it was. After a minute or so of inescapable noise I realized that it was someone’s phone. I shouted expletives at the unknown soul and, though I’m not quite sure, probably questioned their parentage. Soon after this little tirade I said, “I know it is a phone because mine does the same thing, turn the fucker off!!” Brief pause… “Damn, that’s my phone!” Be assured that the laughter didn’t die down for a good long time. There was no sleeping after that, so we got up, had breakfast and started getting dressed. As payback for the underwear assault, Matt took pictures of me with long underwear, tall socks, kneepads and a butt pad on. It was all very funny and everyone laughed, but that picture will never see the light of day and he will have to live the rest of his life with the memory of my worn underpants pressed up tightly and closely against his cheek, lips and nose. Some things you just can’t un-see or un-remember…
After getting dressed it was time to pack up the truck and head to the mountain. During this packing and moving out process, Kei dropped a rolled sleeping bag with a Playboy inside. You have to understand that Kei is a sweet, gentle, shy Japanese college student that covers her mouth when she laughs. Seeing her walk into the room, nine shades of red, with a sleeping bag in one hand and a Playboy in the other was hysterical! Of course I took a picture. What red-blooded American wouldn’t have? Pretty girl, Playboy in hand, sleeping bag… After doing my duty as a true American, I went down to raise hell about the room and get some money back. The proprietor was a Sikh gentleman that had a large black turban and was named Habib. I quickly and matter-of-factly informed him that I had paid for a non-smoking room with two beds and that I wanted a partial refund. Habib then calmly advised me (this part of the story works best if said in an Indian accent) “Sir, I am sorry that you were unhappy with the room, but sir, you had six to eight people in there last night and you paid only for two.” After a few seconds of silence, I figure that we were even and I left quietly.
Kei and her Playboy?!
We got to the resort somewhere around 9:30am and after taking the shuttle to the main lodge, bought our 2-day lift tickets. Matt B. had borrowed a snowboard and boots from Joann and we teased him mercilessly about the Power-Puff-Girls sticker on the board and about the pastel blue boots. Brian was especially cruel, but Matt B. took it well and by the end of the weekend was discussing buying the board, sticker and all. The resort was crammed with people since it was a three-day weekend and some of the lifts had waiting times of 30 minutes. We headed to a fairly quite patch of snow for the mornings lesson. Joann is a patient teacher and she gave us all a refresher, some needed tips and went over how to get on and off the lift just to make sure that EVERYONE was clear on the process. You would be amazed how many people screw that up and it make already long lift lines that much longer. After our little class it was time to get on the hill. Did I mention that I suck at snowboarding? It took all of maybe 30 seconds for me to land on my ass and after another 15, it was time for a graceful faceplant. Joann looked at everyone’s form and made adjustments and suggestions. After a little bit we were all falling down the slope somewhat less often. David was the cinematographer for our trip and he just happened to be there for every spill, crash and collision. I think that he is supplementing his income by submitting film of painful crashes to the cable networks and to a website somewhere.
Brian and I boarded together for most of the morning because we suck so similarly. We used walkie-talkies to keep the 3 different groups in contact and it worked like a charm. I have done it on numerous climbing trips, but with this experience, I plan to use it on all outings with a group because it works so well. At noon we all met at the main lodge for lunch. While Matt B. and Joann went for the food, I went into the lodge for a bathroom break and to rustle up some much needed espresso. On the way out, I stopped by the gift shop and bought some post cards for the kids and a stocknagel (hiking stick medallion) for my growing collection. We had beef jerky, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and breakfast bars for lunch on the terrace of the lodge. That afternoon was spent working on our form some more and by the end of the day we had all, under Joann’s tutelage, showed remarkable improvement. At the top of one of the lifts, a Mammoth Lodge photographer took a group picture of us. We’d been having such a great day that it showed in everyone’s face and we just knew that the pictures would be outstanding. The lifts close at 4:00pm and we went into the lodge to check out the pictures and order some if they were decent after our last run down the mountain. All the pictures were kick-ass! We choose a couple for developing and then were floored by the price! $75 bucks for six pictures (one shot only) and the negatives. We discussed it, decided to get them, but grumbled as we coughed up $12 a person. They were great pictures though!
Close-up group shot
Group shot
Above: My lift ticket
Right: A shot from the lifts
The name was so fitting...
Showers can be used for more the one thing.
Hot tub group shot!
At 7:00am the alarm clock went off in my ear. I tried to turn it off gently, I really did, but some perverse design engineer made it so that you had to use both hands to operate the snooze function. Who is that lucid at 7:00 in the morning? I gave it a light tap and it stopped for a few seconds. When it started again, I gave it another little tap, but the machine was being obstinate and wouldn’t stop making noise. So, BLAM!! I gave it a haymaker slap/slam out of left field and it quit buzzing. Joann started laughing and that was it for anyone sleeping. I fear, however, that I committed a great sin against that alarm clock: I believe that it has sounded its last wake-up call. It rattled a bit when I picked it up and the LED numbers went out in the same fashion as The Terminator’s eyes did at the end of the first movie when they crushed him. Poor little alarm clock…
David and Joann on the lift
Joann in the pipe
Since Mammoth was so crowded the day before, it was decided that we should go to June Mountain (about 12 miles from Mammoth). The parking lot was barren when we drove up and the mountain looked like it was covered in deep fresh snow. While not as polished as Mammoth, June was spectacular! Almost no one was there, there were no lines at the lifts, there were great trails, mostly Kiwis and Aussies staffed the place, it had long runs and deep groomed snow. We all had a blast and enjoyed the place so much more than we had Mammoth! Again, Brian and I paired up because of our similar grace in falling. I can truly say that the runs there were worth every penny of our lift tickets. The main lifts do not start at the parking lot at June Mountain. You take a very step two-person chair up to the lodge and to the beginning of most of the trails. We had decided to meet at the truck for lunch and you either have to take the lift back down to the parking lot or you can board down a snow/ice incrusted 4X4 road that has a wall on one side, a 20 drop into the trees on the other and lots of nice tight curves and switchbacks. We, of course, chose the road. Not the smartest decision that I made that day. I smacked the ground so hard with my ass in one steep section that I thought I’d torn one of my cheeks off and there was a spill going into one corner bank that left me dazed, my board stuck in the snow like a mile marker and Matt B., who witnessed the horrendous crash, laughing hysterically. God, it hurt.
After lunch, we all split up again and Brian and I were riding and carving the runs like champs. At the top of one run, just as we were strapping our boards on, this older guy skied up to the trail markers and takes a look. A few seconds later a little girl, no more than three feet tall, glided up behind him and looked at the trail marker sign as well. She then looked up at him and said, “Daddy, what are the green circles for?” He looked down and said in a sweet supportive voice, “Honey those trails are for beginners.” She says, “Ohhhh,” and they both headed off in a blast of powder toward an expert run. Brian and I stared at one another and cracked up. We thought that we were doing great until a 4 year-old whooshed up and away with more skill than either of us will ever have. We boarded until 4:00pm again and while the other four in our party took the “road of pain” down to the truck, Kei and I rode the lift down. After changing in the parking lot and hurriedly stowing the gear, we headed for home. Joann and David have season passes to Mammoth and take the same road all the time. So, just outside of Bishop, CA we had to stop at this smokehouse where we spent a combined $100 on beef jerky. They had everything imaginable: turkey, beef, salmon, buffalo, elk and it was all in about 20 different flavors (www.SMOKEDMEATS.com). In Bishop we stopped and had our first sit-down dinner of the weekend. The food was decent, but the highlight of the meal was when we left Brain in the bathroom and took off in the truck. He caught us pulling out of the parking lot and dove into Kei’s window with a “Oh no you don’t…” Poor Kei almost peed herself with laughter. The trip home from Bishop was uneventful except for someone having terrible rotten gas in the confines of the truck about 3 times and the movie title driving game that became a grudge match between Brian and Joann (it was a draw). We unpacked the truck and I was home by 12:30am. I was up and out the door for work at 7:30 the next morning feeling stiff, sore and happy.
A view of the mountians from top of June Mountain
The sky was on fire as we drove home and the mountains were a perfect compliment to it.